Not just yet,

I hated being this frustrated. I really don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. And truly, I'm not sure if I want to know either. Somehow, everything is always my fuckin' fault. No matter what is done or what is said, it always end up being my fault. ALWAYS. Half the stuff that you do that aggravates me, I usually just don't voice it, and let it go. I keep thinkin' that you will realize how you hurt me, but you never cease to amaze me by how little effort you exert. I give up. I'm done fighting. It's not that I don't want it to work, I do. But everything isn't just going to pass up so easily. Some work is going to have to be executed. I hate fighting. I can't believe you think I fight just because. It hurts me a LOT more than it does you everytime we do. I'm going to throw in the towel and stop trying, because I've been trying. More than you have. I don't want to be a bitch and a hypocrite, but if you do nothing, also, then I guess my answer is easy.


"You're always down for us and always there for us. You need to be down for yourself and defend yourself."


Kenny and Harrison really helped me make it through last night.
Talked me through everything. I love them. Only boys I know will never let me down.

This week has been horrible. This weekend was even worse. Everything that can possibly go wrong, did. I'm pushing myself trying just to get by. I totally jinxed it, though. Last week, I said I was really happy with where I am with life, and now this week, everything just collapsed. I'm so tired and restless. Mentally and physically. My body is sore and it's not really helping. I'm so drained from everything that's been happening.

But last night, at 3:30 A.M., leaving Kathy's house to our cars, I got a text so my ring tone played. In the middle of the streets, ALL of the guys started singing along to it. "Suffocate" by J. Holiday. It tickled my heart, and was the first time I really smiled last night. I love them. fAmily<3 Just one more month for Lil' Chris to come out to complete us again.


jvo